let it go, see where it lands

just wondering--

does anyone read this anymore? and what do you think, if you do--is blogging a vanity trip or is something else inherent in it all?

if you have any opinions, comment here or email me personally: amy@ the very address of this website.

thanks for your participation.

the song of the crocus

i want to believe that there is something poignant about drinking a beer called "la fin du monde" ("the end of the world") on this day, the first day of spring--the vernal equinox. right now, the world seems to be anything but in balance. we've been fighting a war in Iraq for 5 years now (the anniversary was on Tuesday); the protests of Tibetans against the Chinese government are provoking an imminent block-out of all westerners from the region as the Chinese "straighten up" the affair; the democratic battle for presidential candidacy is ironically (???) obscuring bush's shirking of responsibility for the state of the nation as we breach the highest price ever for both oil and grain and establish more and more "homeland security" by exporting the people who grow our food and importing food (note: using expensive oil-based transport) from other countries. but it's okay, because we're all going to get $300-$600 each to spend "right now" and temporarily stimulate the economy. in the meantime, we're shipping genetically modified corn (which is being grown instead of wheat, rye, barley, hops, vegetables, or anything else we can eat) to 3rd world countries so that they can plant it and grow patented hybrids (read: they can't save the seed because it won't grow again and if it does, they'll be sued by monsanto) that will deplete their soil and compete with native food sources so that they will become entirely dependent on U.S. companies for seed, fertilizer, and food assistance within the next five years, thereby rectifying our debts and waning dollar power in all the rest of the world. sigh.

somehow though, i also think it's poignant that i had this very experience a few days ago:

i was out to brunch with some friends and i ordered an omelet for my meal. when it arrived, i cut it in half and watched the fillings--artichokes, asparagus, proscuitto and cheese--reveal themselves. i noticed that one of the artichoke hearts had a curved, black line -like an eyelash- on it, so i poked at it (because i didn't want to eat it if it was an eyelash). the crescent line popped off of the artichoke and became a tiny down feather, and, without further provocation, it floated upward, past my face, past the light fixtures, and off into the heavens, defying gravity.

i still don't know what it means entirely, but i'm convinced that it has something to do with disregarding the social norms, the structures and order that we sense as law. we are bigger than it all. our balance comes from regarding the power that has been rooting within all of us, individually and collectively, and letting it bloom, despite the heavy hand that holds down. rise up! that's what spring has to say. who cares if you've been in 6 months of storms and snow and cold and hibernation, rise up anyway! it's in you to be true to yourself and create abundance for your community by just letting it all come through...

role review

yes, it's true. i completely disappeared for a while. i don't really know if i'm fully back yet, or if "coming back" even fits into my reality, but that's another story.

somehow, after dodging the bullet three times, i got hit with the nasty nasty flu that's been hanging out in colorado. this morning i was thinking about how tough this little bug must be to withstand colorado extremes--then i realized that's why so many people got sick: we humans just host them through the winter! in any case, i went from being the girl with the intuition to avoid the plague to the girl who's immune system couldn't match it's perpetrator. i don't get sick. and i got sick, pretty gosh darn awful sick.

the personality that showed up during my illness looked a lot different than how i typically see myself. it complained about pain, it wouldn't get up off the couch, it even channel surfed for the sake of diluting reality! when my friends adam and erika came in from boston for a visit, it refused to go out skiing and hot spring soaking. it got short tempered and quiet and non-conversive. the only thing that got it up was the necessity of going to work to make money. and, to top it all off, it refused to drink coffee for over 2 weeks!

last night, on my way into work, i finally succumbed and popped a few pills so that i could withstand the throbbing headache that sent sharp pains through my limbs anytime i bent over or cleared my throat. and WOW! now i understand the appeal! my pain subsided and i felt like GOD. i could do anything! my relatively true self crawled out of it's shut-in state and made jokes, praised sunlight, carried hundreds of pounds of ice up and down stairs, and even tried singing through my strained, laryngitic vocal chords. of course, by the end of the night, those 400 mg. of ibuprofen started to wear off, and i collapsed into bed, coughing and aching all over again. note to self: drugs simultaneously open up and shut down key parts of a functioning system--it's hard to ever accurately calculate the benefit versus the detriment.

so, today i'm feeling a little better, physically, but mildly in shock at the ways i've been engaging with the world around me for the past few weeks. i almost don't know who i am, in a way. it's like i've stepped into a character sketch and the character has become me so quickly that i'm not sure i could possibly be the me i was before i entered this play. i suppose that is what i want in life: movement through a variety of experiences, self-awareness that incorporates both a sharpening and dropping away of identity, but right now, i just feel thrown off course.

well, as this illness ebbs away, we'll see what shoreline remains for the next tide of my life...