re-creating california

I woke up this morning to California skies: bright blue, no clouds, full of winds moving eastward with intention. I know this day came from the west, despite the sun's rise in the east. It is the meeting of where I began and where I am. And the synergy moves me... I'm getting in a car in a few hours and moving with the wind: east out of atlanta, into the mountains of appalachia. I don't have a plan outside of recieving what comes towards me, and I'm discovering that to be quite a challenge.

I know I've promised stories of the new people i'm encountering on this trip; indeed, I started with the idea that I'd witness the abundance of creativity, hope and love that the people across this country have to share, and that I'd relate it to you through this space. I also knew that this trip would impact me in ways I could not possibly imagine, and this morning I've been hit. I want to share the stories of people I've met, but i can't get past the stories that are happening to me. This trip is happening through me, despite me, and because of me...that last part is the hardest thing for me to understand. It is so difficult to accept that people are talking to me, sharing their lives with me, and contributing to this thing that I think is important. And so, i'm acknowledging that this is coming through me, and this is how it's been:

Over the past two days, several people have come forward to help me out of feeling stuck. Like I said, I stepped into this endeavor not knowing what would happen, and saying that I was taking on my "belief" that the world is an abundant place, and that it would provide for me, despite my lack of security, or knowledge as to what was going to happen next. But I'm finding that I can't believe it when the world meets me with what I need. I am so resistant to anyone giving me anything. I want to cry as each person sits down to talk with me. I want to run away when people offer me a place to stay. I want to protest when someone insists on buying me dinner, or giving me money. I want to deserve it, and I don't deserve it. I'll be indebted to all these beautiful, generous people, and there's nothing I can give them to match their gift to me.

How do you make good on a gift? I'm realizing that part of being generous, part of being in this world occurs in the receiving of it all. I find that i exert so much energy in either putting myself out there, or hiding myself away from it all that i rarely take the time to be aware of being received and receiving in return. I spend so much time wondering if anyone really Gets Me. and then, when someone does get me, and in doing so, wants to give back to me, i can't handle it. what does it mean? what do i do now? who am i if i'm actually in this world and not just a person trying to be in this world?

I'm slowly beginning to understand something that the non-brain of me already knows: there is peace in paradox. This trip is happening because of me, and it has nothing to do with me. The generosity being shown to me is not for me. I need to receive it so that it can move freely through this world. I need to receive so that I can give. It has nothing to do with me deserving any of this. It has everything to do with me participating in the world as a small piece of a much bigger organism. I am vital, and I contribute vitality to something much larger than me. That vitality is dependent on how open I choose to be. So I'll receive, and let myself go...