addendum

This morning, the mountains are obscured by heavy grey clouds in the west, but in the east, those clouds are bursting into fiery reds, and oranges as the sun pierces through. my heart grew 3 times larger as i glanced into my rear view mirror on the way to work, and watched the hills simutaneously reflect the beauty behind me.

most of my blogs are written at the spur of the moment in the front seat of my truck just outside of my workplace in the mornings. the clock ticks its way towards the moment i need to be in my apron and hat, behind the counter, chopping vegetables. i say what pours forth, and sometimes the flow is tacky, sometimes fluid and sparkly. i never know. but i post it anyway.

i read my post from yesterday when i got home last night, and wanted to clear up a few things. first off, i really do care about my housemates, and they are both generous, loving people, I think that's part of what makes it hard for me to leave, because it was so close to what i wanted home to be. however, this whole process is bringing me closer to knowing what i want, and for that, i'm very grateful. the house on the mesa has been a gateway to my being here, and now i'm stepping into it all instead of just getting comfortable. it's hard to be in the world, to be with it all, but it's what i want for myself. i don't want a retreat. i want an advance. i think i got my invitation to go forward.

Just got back from visiting this place. No. it’s not the sahara desert, or some beefed up beach in Northern California…it’s the sand dunes in Southern Colorado. Did You Know? There are 32 square miles of sand dunes in Colorado, made up of enough sand to fill a boxcar train that would circle the earth, at the equator, NINE TIMES. Most of the sand is made up of eroded particles of the San Juan Mountains, which lie to the southwest of the San Luis Valley. (I wonder, as I gaze at these 14,000 ft peaks, How Big Were You Before You Made All That Sand?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!).

The dunes themselves are at the base of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains that continue to rise into the atmosphere as the valley floor drops deeper into the earth’s crust each year. Many people consider this place to be sacred: Mt. Blanca is one of the 4 sacred mountains of the Navajo, and the Crestone Mountains host no less than seven temples of various spiritual groups from around the world. Some claim that the Aztecs originated in this valley; others claim that the mineral composition of the mountains has heightened the energy field to a vibration higher than anywhere else on the planet. Others claim that aliens like to visit here often, and host galleries of UFO pictures, or towers from which you can take your own.

In any case, I came here seeking respite from the anxiety that has been whooshing in and out of my daily existence in Durango. Recently, through an unmentionable process, I learned that I needed to move out of my house, in which I actually feel quite at home (or at least I did until I became more informed). I’m avoiding the reality of having to find another place, and I’m avoiding the reality of feeling bitter, resentful and disrespected. While a large part of me knows that its all for the best, another part of me feels justified in making myself the victim of a selfish couple who has no respect for anything other than their process.

I see that i want to feel the things that feel "good" and keep out the feelings that i've labeled in my mind as yucky and completely unuseful to creating positive change in the world. but i still have these feelings! and i suppose there's nothing wrong with that. and i can recognize it conceptually, but i haven't quite felt it yet, that being upset and sad and confused gives way to feelings of helplessness, and when i feel helpless, it's really easy to feel bitter about the circumstances, and resentful towards the people involved.

however, i know that i'm supposed to be in Durango. Even though I was at the base of beautiful mountains all weekend, when i drove 3 hours west and hit the red rocks of the mesas near the la platas, i felt a warmth inside. When I looked at it, it had a little note attached that said, "this is where you need to be right now". And I know its true, but I don't know why. So, as I drove to work this morning and watched the sun beams hit the white peaks of the mountains surrounding this town, I felt the question rise in me again: "why am i here? what am i supposed to do?". It sounded like a voice coming from the bottom of a deep, damp, cold well. Then it hit me: i just get to go create whatever it is i want to do today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day, and being in that state will illuminate the next thing. if i stay at the bottom of a well, calling up, all there's hope for is being found. But I've already found myself. Here. So. I'm going to create a lot of nutritious, love-filled food, and I'm going to go be playful with all the people i work with, and i'm going to enjoy the sunshine and fluffy snow that create sparkles and rainbows all over this landscape. next? who knows? but perhaps i can enjoy my way there....

Just Saying

Okay. I know that, as a person who works in a health food store, I’m not really supposed to say this, but I’m not at work now, nor am I using the wireless there to post this blog, so I feel free to make the following comment: if you want to enjoy a meal with pasta, buy pasta. Don’t waste your money, time, or water making anything like “brown rice penne” or “spelt shells”. It’s a sticky, tacky, goopy sad mess of a starch.

Just so you know, I do more than discover the disappointments of wheat-free alternatives at work. In fact, sometimes I find myself downright inspired…and it’s not all about food. The other day, for example, as I was garnishing the north African potato soup with some fresh cilantro, I heard the intercom click, “DELI, line one; deli, line ONE.” I wiped my hand on my apron and picked up the phone. “this is Amy in the deli, how can I help you?”

A woman stuttered on the other side of the connection. “Hi,” she finally opened, “I was in there the other day, you see, I live in Cortez and I came there to shop, and I had lunch in the deli, and then, when I got home, I found my deli ticket in my purse! I just can’t clear my conscience about it! I feel so bad! What can I do? Can I send you a check?”

Since I don’t work at the counter, it took me a second to figure out what she was saying, but then it clicked. She’d ordered food from the deli, ate it, and then left without paying for it. I quickly moved into problem-solving mode. “Well, will you be back in town soon?”

"Yes," she responded, sounding somewhat relieved already, just to have had her confession received. “I’m in town fairly frequently.”

“Well then, if you remember, bring in the ticket and you can pay for it the next time you shop here.” And then I laughed, “but it’s all okay…these things happen! I just really appreciate you calling in and telling us about it. Don’t worry, your karma is clear!”

“I’m putting a sticky note in my wallet and reminding myself to pay for this,” she said. “I won’t forget.”

“it’s okay,” I repeated. “Thanks again, really, for owning your slip up. It’s really the most generous thing you could have done. Now, please, have a good day!”

I hung up the phone and smiled. This woman went out of her way to be accountable. I felt warm with excitement. There’s one more person practicing for the world I want to live in.

walking on water

black eyed peas

i went to bed last night somewhere around 10:45 pm. the festivities started, for me, when i woke to 3 inches of new snow on the ground. this is a good way to start a new year, i think, in a coat of white, a blank page in front of you.

a lot of intriguing things have been happening around my house lately. ask me directly and i'll tell you about them, but what they've all given me is an awareness of what i want to engage in this year: the practice of seeing past the drama.

already i've recieved multiple gifts in this practice, besides the events occurring around my house. one was a book by jd salinger, which i didn't really like, but completely emphasized the point of view that we, as human beings, tend to attach ourselves to the roles we take on over the course of events that occur arround us, and often forget that they are just roles, and not who we are. the second came through a conversation with another friend, who relayed to me something that she read about the attachments we form to things that make us feel good, instead of recognizing that it's the feeling that feels good, not the thing that was the channel for our feeling it, and that, in fact, we can create that feeling without the presence of the thing with which we associate the feeling, and then can skip over the suffering caused by desire.

the funny thing is, i still sorta like knowing who i am in relationship to others, and i find drama engaging, and desire quite stimulating. i guess this is why i chose to be human, instead of a rock.

regardless of the paradox, i'm feeling good today, and not because of any particular thing, but just because i do. i feel like love is everywhere, and i can choose to be in love, or not. i can be in love with the tree outside my house, or i can choose to be in love with this entire landscape, or my housemate, or the cat, or the fireplace. or even a rock. some things might give me quicker access to actually feeling the love, but ultimately, i really do know that love is always there, and always available. i feel very blessed to know this.

so i ate black eyed peas, not because i believe in good luck, but because i like believing in a world where eating black eyed peas generates well-being. eat up, y'all.