addendum

This morning, the mountains are obscured by heavy grey clouds in the west, but in the east, those clouds are bursting into fiery reds, and oranges as the sun pierces through. my heart grew 3 times larger as i glanced into my rear view mirror on the way to work, and watched the hills simutaneously reflect the beauty behind me.

most of my blogs are written at the spur of the moment in the front seat of my truck just outside of my workplace in the mornings. the clock ticks its way towards the moment i need to be in my apron and hat, behind the counter, chopping vegetables. i say what pours forth, and sometimes the flow is tacky, sometimes fluid and sparkly. i never know. but i post it anyway.

i read my post from yesterday when i got home last night, and wanted to clear up a few things. first off, i really do care about my housemates, and they are both generous, loving people, I think that's part of what makes it hard for me to leave, because it was so close to what i wanted home to be. however, this whole process is bringing me closer to knowing what i want, and for that, i'm very grateful. the house on the mesa has been a gateway to my being here, and now i'm stepping into it all instead of just getting comfortable. it's hard to be in the world, to be with it all, but it's what i want for myself. i don't want a retreat. i want an advance. i think i got my invitation to go forward.