Just got back from visiting this place. No. it’s not the sahara desert, or some beefed up beach in Northern California…it’s the sand dunes in Southern Colorado. Did You Know? There are 32 square miles of sand dunes in Colorado, made up of enough sand to fill a boxcar train that would circle the earth, at the equator, NINE TIMES. Most of the sand is made up of eroded particles of the San Juan Mountains, which lie to the southwest of the San Luis Valley. (I wonder, as I gaze at these 14,000 ft peaks, How Big Were You Before You Made All That Sand?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!).

The dunes themselves are at the base of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains that continue to rise into the atmosphere as the valley floor drops deeper into the earth’s crust each year. Many people consider this place to be sacred: Mt. Blanca is one of the 4 sacred mountains of the Navajo, and the Crestone Mountains host no less than seven temples of various spiritual groups from around the world. Some claim that the Aztecs originated in this valley; others claim that the mineral composition of the mountains has heightened the energy field to a vibration higher than anywhere else on the planet. Others claim that aliens like to visit here often, and host galleries of UFO pictures, or towers from which you can take your own.

In any case, I came here seeking respite from the anxiety that has been whooshing in and out of my daily existence in Durango. Recently, through an unmentionable process, I learned that I needed to move out of my house, in which I actually feel quite at home (or at least I did until I became more informed). I’m avoiding the reality of having to find another place, and I’m avoiding the reality of feeling bitter, resentful and disrespected. While a large part of me knows that its all for the best, another part of me feels justified in making myself the victim of a selfish couple who has no respect for anything other than their process.

I see that i want to feel the things that feel "good" and keep out the feelings that i've labeled in my mind as yucky and completely unuseful to creating positive change in the world. but i still have these feelings! and i suppose there's nothing wrong with that. and i can recognize it conceptually, but i haven't quite felt it yet, that being upset and sad and confused gives way to feelings of helplessness, and when i feel helpless, it's really easy to feel bitter about the circumstances, and resentful towards the people involved.

however, i know that i'm supposed to be in Durango. Even though I was at the base of beautiful mountains all weekend, when i drove 3 hours west and hit the red rocks of the mesas near the la platas, i felt a warmth inside. When I looked at it, it had a little note attached that said, "this is where you need to be right now". And I know its true, but I don't know why. So, as I drove to work this morning and watched the sun beams hit the white peaks of the mountains surrounding this town, I felt the question rise in me again: "why am i here? what am i supposed to do?". It sounded like a voice coming from the bottom of a deep, damp, cold well. Then it hit me: i just get to go create whatever it is i want to do today, and then tomorrow, and then the next day, and being in that state will illuminate the next thing. if i stay at the bottom of a well, calling up, all there's hope for is being found. But I've already found myself. Here. So. I'm going to create a lot of nutritious, love-filled food, and I'm going to go be playful with all the people i work with, and i'm going to enjoy the sunshine and fluffy snow that create sparkles and rainbows all over this landscape. next? who knows? but perhaps i can enjoy my way there....