blood on my hands

i've gotten three bloody noses in the past 4 days. i can't tell you the last time (before these episodes) that my nose bled. i mean, i've woken up in the morning with dry nostrils and maybe a little bit of blood in my snot, but this is different. The first time it happened i was driving my truck at 50 mph on a winding, shoulderless road. i noticed something warm on my lip, and then PLOP! a drop of deep red liquid hit my lap. I put my palm to my nose and drew it back. It was filled with blood. I couldn't pull over anywhere, but fortunately, i had a passenger, who responded without shock, fear, or alarm (in fact, she continued talking as if nothing strange were happening) by passing me sheet after sheet of newspaper. i decorated the news with three pages of blood. i was a little freaked out. i knew it was probably dry air and altitude, but i couldn't dismiss the idea that my brain was hemmoraging. however, after about 5 minutes, it all stopped. besides the smears of blood covering my hands, arms and face, and the crimson speckles dappling my blue shirt, and the taste of iron at the back of my tongue, there was no evidence that anything violent had happened.

yet somehow, i felt assaulted. especially when it happened again, at work when i was picking up a box of vegetables to put into the walk-in, and today, when i was walking down the streets of durango, past dozens of people who tried not to stare at my bloody hands and face. why was this happening to me?? here i am, just trying to do my job, just keeping to myself, and BAM! there's blood everywhere.

after today's incident, i drove home and watched the blood dry on the back of my hands. just a few moments earlier that blood had been inside my body, pumped from my heart and through many blood vessels into my head, before it dashed through my nose and into my view. i guess i don't think about blood all that much--how it circulates through my body, keeping me vital and alive, and full of possibility. i don't think about the messages it sends, via nutrients and chemicals, to all the individual cells that make up my physical existence. i don't consider how it unites me with the present and prepares me for the future through the simple act of receiving from the heart, sharing with the cells, and returning to the heart.

i've been taking my life for granted. i've been letting the things around me shape my days. i haven't been balancing the external life with that which is inside me. i haven't listened to my pulsing heart repeatedly telling me: You Are Alive! You are Love! You are the source of your own reality!!

there's no denying when there's blood on your hands.