go ahead, break my heart

it's that time of year again for me, when i wake up in the morning, go outside into the sunlight and see the hillside. it's then that my heart breaks into a million pieces as if to try to replicate the explosion of colors around me. it will happen again at work, when i take a moment from staring at the cutting board and walk out to the back balcony that overlooks the river and startlingly notice EVERY nuance of everything...bird feathers, cloud contours, leaf structure, squirrel fur, white water fluctuations, and so on and so forth. yes, my heart breaks again. it's a continuous thing. i'll bite into a a fig--heart break. i watch a child laugh at a puppy--mush heart. my i pod plays deb talan, chris pureka, girlyman or indigo girls--multiple heart fractures. but i love it at this time of year. i'm not rendered defenseless. somehow, i'm split open in a way that i can handle, where i'm even intrigued to go a little deeper, put myself back together, and break myself up again. i really don't know what it's all about, but i feel mildly addicted to this right now. it's like the urge to sit in a sunbeam's full intensity, even though it nearly blinds you and it might warm your skin to the point of discomfort...you just HAVE to be in the sun.

so, it's dark and i'm getting ready for bed. i'm excited to see the fall colors again tomorrow. they change here every day: more golden aspens in the highlands, more rusty scrub oak in the lowlands, and all sorts of colors in between. it's sad to think that i only have 2 more days of this... after my 3 week hiatus from durango, there will only be green and grey in the tree tops. sigh. what will inspire my heart to feel so alive then?