it's been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely....

time.

i know. it's been over a month since i wrote! and so much has happened for me. i think i've been avoiding writing because i feel like i somehow have to explain it all...the wedding of my dear old friend and the deepening of community paradoxically aligned with a growing sense of alienation; parisian autumn and the isolation of language; october in new york with the leaf-like quiver of letting go and trusting; then homecoming and the perpetual fear of fucking up what has been so generously given to you...

but today is the last day of october. what a month of transition.

so, i'll tell you about the end of october here. durango's local radio station annually throws a transvestite ball around halloween. it's not for transvestites, per say, as durango is not particularly a haven for such folks (i mean, maybe there's something I DON'T know about all the cowboys here, but i'm guessing there isn't an abnormal ratio here); however, i feel motivated to speak of the large number (to wit: almost all) of men who dressed as women. i myself dressed as a man (the jack of hearts, but that's another story) and only a few other women took on the challenge, but the men, well, they were all dolled up in wigs, high heels, corsets, eye makeup, and lipstick. their newly voluptuous figures elicited a softness in motion, speech and presence. I talked to many guys who admitted how comfortable they felt in their clothes, and how much they wished they could engage with the world more often from this state of being.

i loved the evening. i went to the balcony and watched a room full of feminine energy rise. i, in my suit and boutonniere, sporting a moustache and flat chest, marveled in the beauty of it all, and prayed for more safe opportunities where men might freely explore these other aspects of being human regardless of their gender identity (both perceived and subjected). maybe the pendulum is swinging back again. it sure felt like it saturday night.