depth

i was trying to capture something here besides myself. if you look in the lower left, you can see the end of my jacket, which isn't really the end of my jacket, but where my body becomes submerged in snow.

snow is indeed the ruler of all who aren't hibernating or ensconced in mexico (where a good number of durangans actually find themselves these days). i have spent hours shoveling snow off the roof, and more traversing town in four wheel drive as the roads are still coated with several inches of ice and compacted white frozen flakes. tomorrow we have a parade as this is Snowdown weekend, where we create an innovative festival celebrating the insanity of cabin fever with events such as the bed race (where people pile on queen sized mattresses and fling themselves down an icy alleyway in attempts to be the first across a makeshift line) and the outhouse stuffing contest (i'll leave it to you to surmise the details...). but even as everyone declares how they are "over it", the snow does inspire a deep respect for slowing down, and respecting the way things typically work smoothly and without much of a hitch. as i snowshoed yesterday, it took me an hour to break trail on a loop that would typically take 10 minutes to walk without snow (despite the weight distributing aspect of the webbed shoes, i postholed all over the drifts). but i got a full workout, hip flexors through abs, determination through patience. where i normally might coast through the scene, i got to go deep into my surroundings, in more ways than one. i watched an oak leaf dance across the white landscape easily, and, though we were both out of place in this cold winter scene, i felt gratitude for the novelty of our experiences, the freedom to find ourselves out of place, while simultaneously finding ourselves undeniably engaged and alive and truly right where we asked to be.

mobility

so. this was what my truck looked like this morning after i got in at 7:30 last night through the foot of snow that had already fallen. when i went to dig out my friend katherine's 4x4 this morning, i was brandishing a shovel to clear off the hood while standing hip high in the surrounding snow. it's still coming down now--folks say this is the most snow we've gotten in one storm for a while. this winter has been pretty rough--less than 10 days ago we had a slushy storm that took down trees and powerlines everywhere; this was followed by a major cold front (-10 for days) and more snow that covered the pre-existing ice base. it's been really difficult to get around at all, and of course it takes two hours to dig yourself out of your driveway (or downtown parking spot after work) so no one feels much like socializing in their precious free-of-labor time. me, i've been reading zen drama (a history of San Francisco Zen Center called "Shoes Outside the Door"--fascinating to read after my experience there and my novice understanding of zen buddhism). i've also been pouring through seed catalogs, picking out my crops for the garden (peas, radishes, arugula, tatsoi, beets, mizuna, mesculun, cherry toms, basil, cilantro, purple pole beans, borage, calendula, leeks, scallions and sweet peas, for sure!). there are the upsides to being shut in. and i finally learned how to put chains on my tires after dark in pounding snow! tomorrow i get to shovel off the roof top. huzzah! hooray for winter....

morning musings (or, the gentle way back to blogging)

it's a whopping -1 F outside this morning. i'm inspired because this is the recording of negative numbers, allowance for the realm beneath zero, which we so often feel animosity towards in our pro-active, pro-ductive, pro-ceeding society. anything under the surface or in the red is to be avoided, right?

i woke up sad yesterday. sad, unmotivated, perhaps a little afraid--these things all came first, and in a split second came the awareness of self-deprecation, self-pity, and immobility. mostly because i immediately noticed these first feelings as ones i didn't want to have. there was no acceptance of them, and therefore a quick advancement into judgement and desire to change how i felt.

for once, i took a step back. sad, unmotivated, afraid: okay. fair enough. hang out if you need to, i'm going to get up and make breakfast--do you want some coffee? toast or yogurt? let me know if you need anything. there's a pen and some paper over there if you want to write; otherwise, i was thinking about going for a walk in a bit. you're welcome to come.

after some time, sadness and lack of motivation went to go hang out in the shady understory of the pinetrees outside my window. fear stayed with me into the afternoon, but then, when i got in my car to do some errands, it wasn't around for the ride. no rhyme or reason, just gone.

most of the time there's nothing to fix, and nothing really to do, just everything to accept. and as soon as you do, it changes. it's 9 outside now. i think i'll go for a walk towards the sunlight...