in love, but not at peace

it's beautiful, beautiful summertime here, despite solstice being a good 2 weeks away. i rode around town today on my friend's cruiser and got a lobster-red coating to my freckled arms. everything smells of sunlight--lilacs, roses, sage, wild mint, and pine bounce around the negative charges that the thunderstorms bring in and the sky becomes alive with scent. it's magical.

i've been exposed to exorbatant amounts of magic lately. however, it's hitting me like sound underwater--muted, delayed, and incomprehensible. i'm somehow caught, despite my awareness of things going on all around me, in an isolation chamber. it's an odd place to be. i can only wait to see what forces must be reliquished in order for me to fully feel the impact of all this activity around me. in the meantime, it's as though i'm made of some alien substance unaffected by the dynamics of this world.

there is an occasional moment where this all seems to break down--and subsequently, i break down. i hear a guitar chord and my heart shatters. i see a hummingbird dive passionately into an orange sunburst honeysuckle and i'm awe struck and weeping. the train whistle blows and every cell in my body leaps through my skin. maybe some part of me knows how sensitive i've become and so i'm forced to wear gauze all day. there are seconds where the gauze is changed (after maximum absorbancy has been reached, i'm guessing) and everything shockingly floods in. i wonder, however, why i have such a deep need to protect myself without the rest of myself knowing right now.

am i crazy? has anyone else ever felt this way?

so, tonight i'm writing lists of things to do--things that normal people do, so that i can feel connected again. maybe i can let down my guard if i establish some sense of normalcy. ("ha ha ha," i hear my inner voices say, "nice try,". when will i come to accept that there is really nothing normal about me?). tomorrow's list goes like this: harvest spinach (easy enough!). farmer's market (everyone goes there on saturdays! very normal). have lunch with nicola, or anas? (surely one of them will be enticed!). plant cucumbers and brassicas (everyone does this, too, right???) set up dobro lessons (schedules, music and practice will put something grounded into my heart metronome). call mom and dad (what can be more grounding?).

wish me luck.